5 Places to Find Your Village

Raising a family truly takes a village, not just to bring up happy children, but to maintain the sanity of their parents. Though this old adage is often thrown around when discussing parenthood, gone are the days when children were born into existing communities that were ready to wrap around the parents and lend support to the everyday challenges of keeping small humans alive and thriving.

In the early days with our little daughter, it struck me how isolating staying home with children can be. I found myself listening to podcasts all day long, just to have a voice to keep me company. Cooped up in your home most of the day, on most days, leaves you separated from the extra sets of hands, experience and encouragement that would surround you in a traditional village environment.

The village mamas!

Due to the independent, disconnected nature of the postindustrial nuclear family, we need to be intentional about building our own village! Wendy Dean, a local parenting instructor, birth educator and friend of mine, includes this as a recurring topic in all of her classes. Her discussions helped me to appreciate the fantastic community I have surrounding me, and to be more intentional about drawing on them for support. However, many of the mothers I met in these classes had significantly less support and were unsure of where to find their village.

Here are the best five places I have found community. Ideally, your village would be made up of some combination of these, as different communities have different strengths and abilities to provide support. For example, communities with many parents whose children have grown and gone may have great advice and perspective on the fleeting quality of early parenting, but only other moms who are in the thick of it will be able to commiserate over your shared sleep deprivation. Parenting groups with children of the same age are great for discussions of your child's immediate interests and development, but you may find more of those with shared values within your faith community. A solid village is made up of members with different strengths and in different stages of life.

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Josephine and Eddie, best buddies for life!

1. Family

Though perhaps an obvious one, family support has been vital for our transition into parenthood. In fact, as I write this my daughter is spending the day with her uncle and baby cousin, part of the weekly childcare exchange we do in order to catch a break and work on side projects. Josephine is quite obsessed with her cousin, and it will be wonderful for her to grow up as part of a tight knit extended family.

We are very blessed to have two sets of grandparents and many more family members within a twenty minute drive from our house. Family can be a great resource for babysitting or simply baby distracting services, and by nature of their relationship they have to love you and your baby even when you are both sleep deprived, crying and covered in spit up. Family members very often want to help new parents, but don't know how- don't hesitate to ask for help with specific requests!

I know that many people do not live near family, are estranged from them or have lost parents or siblings too early. I include in this category old friends, since they can sometimes fill in and provide similar support. I have some key friends who have been phenomenal in this regard. Among the things they have done to help are: bringing food and coffee (often!), holding my screaming baby so I could take a shower, cleaning the kitchen, washing bottles and pump parts, folding laundry, and providing babysitting for date nights. They came to me when I couldn't leave the house, and didn't judge my incredibly disheveled appearance or wreck of a house.

Always last to leave the cafe on Sundays

2. Faith Community

Support from our faith community has been absolutely crucial for our survival of the first year of parenthood. My closest mom friends have all come from our parish, where we have weekly play dates, monthly small groups for young families, a family-friendly cafe after mass and countless other ways to meet fellow parents. It has been my experience that most of the Catholic churches in our area have a high population of young families, though not all have organized events to support them. Seek out these groups if they exist in your community, and consider launching them if they are absent!

A strong, shared faith seems to instantly deepen friendships, and informs so many of the decisions we make as parents. The community we have built through our parish is one where we teach, discipline and raise our children side by side. It is where I most understand what a traditional village environment must feel like.

Josephine celebrates her first Halloween at her baby group

3. Parenting Groups

Especially for first time parents or those in the earlier years, parenting groups comprised of those in the same minute stage of life can be fantastic. I have truly appreciated the community revolving around Wendy Dean and her parenting classes, where I have met and journeyed alongside so many mothers from pregnancy through this first year. I have heard of similar communities springing up through MOPS groups, baby classes through the hospital and classes such as infant swimming or toddler story time. The key is to find a group which is supportive and nonjudgmental despite the inevitable discrepancies in parenting styles and values- veiled comments or outright arguments can deprive these groups of the support parents truly need.

4. Neighborhood

In the past, proximity was much more likely to bring families together in mutual support. However, it is now quite uncommon to know your neighbors well, let alone depend on them in raising your children. We have been grateful to meet many other parents through our very active Buy Nothing Project community, where people exchange used items with neighbors in their immediate area. This has also been a great resource for us, allowing us to limit the number of things we have to purchase for our rapidly growing girl. Meeting other parents at community parks, pools or events may also help to expand your village right in your our neighborhood.

Josephine and her buddy at our favorite local park

5. Areas of Shared Interest

Long before Josephine was born, I become a part of our local yarn shop community. Needless to say, they were quite excited to meet her and she has been showered with adorable hand-knit and crochet items. One of the wonderful things about a community such as this is the mix of people from every background and stage in life, all brought together by the love of a particular craft or activity. Others find similar communities through workout clubs, choirs or cultural centers. Friends from such communities are wonderful for reminding you that you do, in fact, have interests other than child rearing.

Josephine visits her yarn shop grandma

I would love to hear input from readers on where you have found community and how you are building your village! We are not meant to do this alone.

**Notice that I didn't include online communities- though Facebook groups and online forums can be great places to ask questions, learn or just to vent, they are poor substitutes for the kind of real world support that parents need and deserve.