Blowing Up The Log Jam

I'm just going to say it- 2018 was a no-good-very-bad year. I know that sounds terrible since that was the year my sweet daughter was born, and believe me when I say that she is the light of my life and the reason I get up in the morning. However, her entry into the world rocked my own and has been causing aftershocks ever since. As we approach her first birthday, I find myself becoming progressively more upset by how tough things still are. I really thought we would be in a much better place by this point. The more I ruminate on how heavy the depression still is, how difficult it is to keep her calm and content, and how much chronic pain from her traumatic birth continues to limit my everyday activities, the more upset I become.

Let's blow up this log jam!

There is such a tangle of interrelated factors that are keeping us in this phase of just barely making it through each day, and it is hard to tease out where to start in order to make any headway. It reminds me of an analogy I have often heard on the Dave Ramsey Show (my husband and I are both avid listeners) that he uses when people get to a point where they cannot make any progress and it takes some more drastic measures to get things moving. He describes it as a log jam in a river, which becomes so jumbled that it is impossible to get the logs flowing again without blowing up the jam. Right now, this parenting and recovery journey feels like a log jam, and I think it is going to take some more intentional moves to blow it up and move forward.

My mother-in-law had several decades of intense spiritual dreams which I love to listen to and are a constant source of wisdom and insight. She told me about one that she had during a particularly difficult time as a new parent, in which she was running like mad from some unseen pursuer. She ran so hard and for so long that she finally begged God to let her die. She received an immediate response like a lightning bolt through her body and audibly heard God's voice, "Yes, I could do that. But you can do better." This voice filled her with peace and understanding. She stopped running and turned to face what was chasing her, and the dream ended. This dream was a revelation to me, since I have begged God to just take me now more times than I can count in this past year. Yes, He says, I could do that. But you are capable of so much more.

My little aspiring toddler

It is so difficult to keep plugging away when it feels like no progress is being made. After months and months, I can feel the hope draining from me, and especially nearing the one-year mark the apparent lack of progress is discouraging to the point of debilitation. This dream comes crashing through the discouragement. Sure, God is able to make this the end of my story, but He thinks that I can do so much more. He made me for so much more. If that is the case, then what a shame it would be to stop short.

Instead it is time to turn around and face this relentless pursuer head on. It is time to blow up the log jam. While I am not sure what all that will entail, I have already begun by finding a new provider that actually listens to my concerns about postpartum depression and postpartum PTSD. I hope this will be the end of a long and thus far fruitless search of the counselors and doctors in my area. I am following this up with going forward with treatment of the pelvic floor hypertonicity which went undiagnosed prior to her birth but which has become a source of daily pain as a result of my birth injuries. For close to a year we have been trying to treat it in roundabout ways, since medical insurance is unwilling to cover the costs of the most effective treatment (though you can be sure that they would if it were something that men experienced!). This is just one of the many problems that I have been dealing with by trying to wait it out through the pain, just like I did with the months of breastfeeding, exclusive pumping and managing without antidepressants. Well, I am sick of waiting it out, sick of the pain, sick of the log jam. It is scary because it will mean an operating room, more pain and money spent out of pocket. Hopefully it will be worth it, bringing some much needed pain relief and allowing me to finally go running and be active again, which has always been my primary mode of stress relief.*

Josie Bean, super active superstar!

I am also seeking occupational therapy services to address what seem to be some extreme sensory needs that make it difficult for my daughter to soothe herself and to be calmed by others. Since the beginning she has required perpetual motion and what my husband calls 'the zero-g experience' just to keep her calm, and we have more recently seen her rocking back and forth on her hands and knees on her video monitor in order to relax herself to sleep. I have had multiple medical providers remark on her high muscle tone over the past year (like mother, like child perhaps?), and this may have something to do with how desperate she is to keep her whole body bouncing and thrashing. I have spoken before about her high-needs ways, and perhaps addressing unmet sensory needs will be a piece of the puzzle clicked into place.

Stay tuned for other ways I am blowing up this log jam and turning to face the foe. 2018 was pretty awful, and I am determined to make 2019 much better. I am through with waiting on things to improve and I am taking it into my own hands. God believes I can do better, and so must I.

*As an aside, I talk about these things openly because I know that I am not the only person to deal with these issues and yet they are never spoken of. I personally know a number of people who have dealt with postpartum depression, anxiety or PTSD and who have pelvic floor dysfunction due to hyper- or hypotonicity or weakness. The lack of discussion can be isolating, and it is difficult to advocate for yourself when it seems that nobody else is!