Cultivating Confidence as a Mom
- Melanie
- May 22, 2019
- 4 min read
Long before getting pregnant with Josephine, I had identified mothers in my community that I admired. It took me a while to pinpoint this shared trait, but what I was observing was confidence. Not the kind of boastful confidence which gives opinions and advice for every problem or complaint, but a quiet, calm confidence which isn't shaken by others making different decisions for their children.
My own mom- patient teacher, educator of educators and child whisperer extraordinaire- always appeared to have this confidence, leading me to believe it would come naturally and effortlessly to me when I became a mother. Blame it on our difficult start, changing times or my own numerous character flaws, but I was shocked to find that confidence was something I needed to actively cultivate in myself. Though I am still far from achieving it, I thought I might share some of the lessons learned along the way.
Be Wary of Parenting Resources
I have written previously about the overabundance of parenting information out there, in the form of books, blogs, websites, internet forums and more. Far too many of these resources are so judgmental they practically hit you over the head with their uncompromising views on how you are failing as a mother. Some of the most wasteful hours of my life were spent reading one such book, which effectively cured me of my commitment to finish any book I begin. If any source you are reading, scrolling, or otherwise consuming is draining you of confidence, extract that toxic resource and don't look back. Don't let some haughty author convince you that she knows better than you what is best for your child.
Refuse to Compete
Parenting these days seems to be something of a competitive sport. Dr. John Medina, best-selling author of Brain Rules for Baby, describes this phenomenon of hyper-parenting by relating a phone call he once overheard:
"Is Stephanie walking yet? No? Brandon was walking by the time he was 9 months!" Then later: "Stephanie's still in diapers? Brandon was potty-trained before he was 2!" The conversation went on and on about various milestones Superbaby Brandon was accomplishing in the face of Pathetic Stephanie.
However, the competition doesn't end at baby milestones or even older children's athletic performance. It now extends to Pinterest-perfect birthday parties, Instagram worthy nurseries, and over-the-top food trends of the Whole Foods, all-organic, unnecessarily-gluten-free and more variety. I like to think of these various competitive arenas as the virtue-signaling of the parenting world.
The truth of the matter is that you don't have to hand-mill organic, locally grown prunes to be a good mom. You don't have to fill your schedule with mommy and me classes, hand-dip cake pops (are those still a thing?) or macrame your own wall hanging for a minimalist nursery- in fact, John Medina's survey of vast amounts of research has shown that the very best thing you can do for your child is to teach them to be empathetic people. All these competitions are stressful extracurriculars.
Refusing to compete requires a conscious unplugging from the mommy rat race, but will allow your confidence to grow unattached to the whims and scrutiny of others. Decide what your priorities are as a parent, and refuse to be dragged down by the performance of others. What this looks like will depend upon where you most feel the hyper-parenting pressure. For some, it may mean finding a different group of mom friends where bragging about superbabies isn't the common pastime. Others may need to quit following certain social media accounts, or perhaps leave social media altogether. Parents of older children may consider what hyper-parenting influences are seeping into their family by way of sports teams and other activities. Refusing to compete also helps to create a more supportive community, which in turn helps to grow the confidence of other mothers.
Enforce Boundaries
I have long been a fan of Dr. Henry Cloud's book, Boundaries. In it, he describes healthy boundaries as a fence- strong enough to keep out the bad, but with gates to allow in the good. As a mom, boundaries can act as a semi-permeable barrier to welcome helpful input, while blocking out the comments that shake your confidence. Surely, every mother has received the sort of comments I am talking about; the kind that barely veil the judgment beneath:
So Katie goes to daycare while you're at work? I don't think I could stand being away from John all day- you must barely get to see her!
Still drinking coffee while pregnant, I see. You are so brave!
Would you like to join my body back workout program? We have moms just like you getting back into shape in no time!
A friend of mine recently observed that every parenting critique is most likely a reflection on the insecurity of the speaker. If this is true, then whatever criticism is launched your way isn't your burden to shoulder, and isn't worth letting through your fence. At any rate, test everything and retain only what is useful.
Test everything; retain what is good 1 Thessalonians 5:21
Boundaries are difficult to enforce, and your success may depend in part on your own personality and tendency to internalize. Be willing to say you aren't asking for advice, or put to use the ever diplomatic phrase, "I will take that into consideration" when people are blasting you with advice. If you are speaking with someone you know can't help but give advice, refrain from complaining or discussing problems with them- they will only see it as a cry for help or opportunity to give their advice.
Surround Yourself with Confidence
I have found that the mothers who have this brand of confidence which I want to emulate are in fact the least likely to offer unsolicited advice and the most likely to be supportive and encouraging. Surround yourself with these women! There is so much to learn just by observing their example and absorbing their confident attitude. They give thoughtful answers when you do seek advice, and become your teammates rather than the competition.
My confidence as a mother has been growing day by day, greatly helped by a fantastic community of supportive teammates and by having a child who is much, MUCH happier as a toddler! I hope someday to be the kind of mom that inspires confidence the way others have inspired it in me.
Comments