Falling in Love

We are coming to the end of what has probably been the best summer of my life. Of course, it is hard to compare the bustling, responsibility-laden life of an adult to the seemingly endless and carefree summertime of childhood, when the only worries were avoiding sunscreen and choosing the next book to read.

Finishing up a summer like this one, which has been such a refreshing burst of light after the darkness of postpartum depression, carries a familiar bittersweet excitement, like approaching the last few chapters of a particularly good book. You don't want it to end, but you can't put it down! In fact, the more absorbing the pages, the faster they fly by, like each day with this bright little toddler with the sun setting just a little earlier each night. I think the rushing past lends an urgency to the savoring, making you pause more frequently to drink in the words or the moments as the end draws closer.

Of course, the wonderful thing about life with this sweet one is that it will continue on into a wet and blustery fall, the joy of Advent and Christmas, and the coziness of winter before we get to watch the trees and garden burst into life again. As with a book, there is a bit of fear that the next book, season or chapter of life may not thrill or captivate with equal intensity.

This summer has truly been a captivating one. Not only has my daughter been blossoming beautifully into an active, curious and affectionate little girl, but I am thriving mentally and physically enough to enjoy it. Recovery of both kinds is ongoing, but there is so much reason for hope! Every day brings Josephine new words, skills and discoveries- all things which she loves to share with me. We have grown so much closer these past few months, and I feel I am becoming more comfortable and confident in my role as her mama.

My little adventure buddy!

As my readers are far too aware, it has not always been this way. This time last year, my job from seven in the morning until seven at night was to do all in my power to get Josephine to sleep for more than twenty minutes at a time. Far from the cohesive, rock collecting duo we have become, the two of us struggled to survive the hours when Paul was at work. He claims he arrived home to a couple of haggard and battle-worn soldiers every evening, and I must admit that it was not always clear whether we were teammates or opponents.

A new mom asked me recently when it was that I fell in love with my daughter, and I found that the question was not as simple as it seems. On the one hand, I was over the moon the second I saw the positive pregnancy test (an experience which I know is not universal) and was in awe of her tiny beating heart and beating limbs on the screen of the ultrasound machine.

Josephine Marie, Queen of the Sandbox

Then again, doesn't true love imply a deep knowledge of another? Are excitement and anticipation really the same as love? Then there was her labor and delivery; strange as it sounds, I barely thought of her during labor. It was only when my midwife would remark on her that I would realize with a jolt that this was for her, and that we would soon be face to face. Seconds later, another wave of pain would come and wash all thought away. During delivery, on the other hand, I thought of nothing but her and it truly felt like there was no one else in the room but her and me. I feared for her and even mourned for her, but I can't say it felt like falling in love.

During the endless hours of crying, fussing and feeding, I was giving her everything I had and more, but mostly did not feel the overwhelming emotion I have heard other mothers describe. Now that we have developed this relationship that is full of cuddles, silliness and mutual adoration, it is clear that I am deeply in love with her, but I think it shortchanges our relationship to say that love only happened recently.

What ultimately helped me to answer the question is the definition of love given by Thomas Aquinas and often repeated by our parish priest Fr. Nagel. To love is to will the good of the other person- it is an action, which may or may not be accompanied by the feeling we so often call love. In this light, it is obvious to me that I have always loved Josephine since the moment of her creation. Willing the good of another person, particularly someone entrusted entirely to your care, demands sacrifice and a peeling away of the selfishness that puts oneself first. In this way, perhaps I have actually loved Josephine better and more fully than anyone else in the world.

I love this little girl!

Glad as I am to be leaving such a difficult period of our lives behind us, loving Josephine with everything I am has transformed me so thoroughly that I can say with certainty that I am not the same woman or mother that I was one year ago. She helped me to strip away many layers of my attachments to control, to comfort, to freedom, and much more, and I am better able to love her and everyone else as a result. Loving my daughter has taken away some of the worst of me while revealing and strengthening what is best in me.

“Believe me, don’t wait until tomorrow to begin becoming a saint.”

-St. Thérèse of Lisieux

So as bittersweet as it is to close out the best summer yet, filled as it has been with berry picking, lake swimming and so many bottles of sunscreen, I am excited to see where our story takes us next. The raising of this child and my formation as a mother go hand in hand like a walk down the street, collecting graces and pine cones along the way. Ultimately with God's help we will reach the final destination of sainthood in heaven together.