Getting Back Up Again
- Melanie
- Mar 12, 2019
- 4 min read
I have had the pleasure these past few weeks of watching my sweet little one year old learn how to walk. Though she has been cruising along walls and furniture for months, she is now pulling herself from the floor into a standing position in the middle of the room, no support needed, and walking toward her goal.
It is amazing to watch- just raising herself from a downward dog to a stand is a gymnastic feat, and the plentiful slips, trips and crashing falls look like a tumble of limbs waving through the air and splaying on the floor. The frequency and inelegant nature of the falling is reminiscent of my learning how to ski as a teenager, but with a more dogged determination to keep going no matter how difficult. This is our first real demonstration of how her perseverance, which made her infancy so difficult, will become a major strength as she gets older.
What is most amazing is the look on her face- whereas I get angry and frustrated learning new skills, her face just lights up each time she stands. She looks around to ensure she has a captivated audience and proceeds to walk with pride, the wonder at her own abilities evident in her expression. She feels capable and competent, and is determined to master this new skill no matter how many hilarious flailing attempts it takes.
Just as when she learned to crawl, I have had numerous warning about how the difficulty will increase once she is more mobile. "Oh no," they say, "now you are really in trouble!" Once again, however, increased mobility has come with a much improved mood. Walking has made her so much happier! Thinking back to six months ago, it is hard to believe this is the same person as that unhappy, immobile seven month old. Although the toddler stage comes with its own challenges (hello, tantrums) I would not change it for the world! She may have hated being a baby, but she adores being a toddler. She is especially loving communicating through both words and signs (here is her signing more!) , exploring the laws of physics through toys, food and her own movement, and feeding bottles and other objects to her stuffed animals.
With this improvement in her mood, one might expect a similar uptick in that of her parents. Unfortunately, that has not yet been the case. It could very well be that there is a delayed reaction that we just haven't experienced yet, or it could be that our recent illness and our daughter's impaired sleep (which is understandable, as she is busting out eight more teeth at once!) have us too exhausted to think clearly. Throughout the past thirteen months we have both had ups and downs associated with feeling more or less hopeful that things will improve, and recently we seem to have landed at the low point on this curve simultaneously. The problem with us both feeling more hopeless is obviously that neither one of us is hopeful enough to drag the other back up! Of course, it is irrational to feel hopeless that things will improve when our little one is improving so rapidly, but you should not expect depressed, sleep deprived and utterly exhausted parents to be completely rational.
Each weekend we do our best to rest, recharge, maybe take a crack at our list of mostly abandoned goals, so I start out the week motivated and prepared to make this week the turning point. I write out my schedule, to-do list and goals for the week, doing my best to keep them reasonable in scope and number, only to be hopelessly off track by the time I limp into Tuesday evening. Each of these unmet goals is accompanied by a sink into further hopelessness. If I instead decide not to create lists of goals, I am unable to track progress of any kind and will wonder what in the world I did with my week. Either way, it is hard to avoid the disappointment.
Why bother getting back up again when I know the fall in inevitable?
This is why my daughter's learning to walk is so inspiring. This girl just does not give up, no matter how many times she trips on her own foot or does a slow motion backwards flop. Up again she gets, as quickly as she can, so excited to try again. She often spends a half hour or more focused on her mastery, not even motivated to walk to anything, just crossing the length of the kitchen again and again for the sake of the skill itself. I find myself in awe of her, thinking, "wow, I wish I were more like that!"
If God sent this difficult baby to break us down, He must have also sent us this delightful toddler to build us back up. Her enthusiasm is infectious, her wonder is amazing, her laughter is healing and her perseverance is inspiring. For the sake of this silly little angel, we pull our exhausted selves back up again and again. It's hard to see any progress being made, but hopefully in this way we will emerge from the suffering of the past year, and God willing, we will be better and stronger parents for her.
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