Progress Report
- Melanie
- Apr 3, 2019
- 4 min read
It has been three weeks since my last post and even longer since I wrote about my plan to blow up the log jam by addressing every possible means of moving myself and my family beyond the point of barely surviving. I figured it is about time for a progress report, and thankfully there has been a lot of positive turnaround! The past month in particular has been wonderful- it is starting to feel like we can finally breathe again and we have been truly enjoying parenting.
With so many intertwined factors, it is hard to give credit for this improvement to any one development. I am sure that finding a good counselor and effective medication has been a big piece of the puzzle, after such a long and frustrating search for both. The increased support from seeking occupational therapy has also been helpful. I am beginning to process the trauma of her terrifying birth, the stress of our awful breastfeeding journey, the impact of my ongoing birth injuries and the disappointment of unmet expectations for the first year. It seems like the edge has been taken off of the depression and I have been better able to notice and enjoy the many good moments, as well as look positively on the future.
Another factor has been the sudden pain relief from the surgery to treat my pelvic floor hypertonicity, which happened in mid-February. Though it was a bit of a difficult recovery, it has brought a tremendous amount of relief. It is truly amazing how chronic pain drains away your emotional energy, making every difficulty seem greater and every burden feel heavier. Just a couple of weeks after the surgery, I was surprised to find myself able to make it through a typical day without needing to rest and manage my pain. There is still one more surgery to go, but besides continuing physical therapy, we are viewing it as the finish line of this particular race. It is going to feel great to close this chapter of the postpartum experience.
The fantastic doctor who has aided us in this leg of the journey also provided some unexpected stress relief when discussing what my experience might mean for future pregnancies. Crazy though we may be given our difficult beginning, we really do want more children in the future, and the stress of either a repeat of our first birth experience or feeling forced into a cesarean section has weighed heavily on me. Many doctors insist on a planned c-section for all deliveries after having had a shoulder dystocia birth, because the probability of having shoulder dystocia a second time is raised. Previous to having Josephine, I was adamant about avoiding c-sections if possible, wanting to avoid the recovery and fearing that multiple c-sections might dictate how many children we have. Since having her, I have been preparing to withstand whatever badgering I am sure to receive from certain providers, friends and even strangers, all pushing me to choose a c-section. Although I think we should consider it, the pressure makes it difficult to make a free decision, particularly because I tend to resist whatever I feel forced to do. On the other hand, whatever we do to lessen the probability of shoulder dystocia (such as inducing labor early to ensure a smaller baby), it may not be enough to alleviate the fear both my husband and I may have attempting another delivery.
Despite discussing these options since the day after our daughter was born, we had made no progress. This doctor finally brought some peace and clarity by talking through a game plan for both, including what support we could seek during pregnancy and postpartum to ease the way regardless of our choice. She is a passionate patient advocate, and seemed to give us permission to freely choose either path. Although we haven't made the decision yet (and likely won't have to for some time), the conversation helped to relieve the pressure and the fear associated with a future pregnancy.
The fantastic weather we have recently had, along with the sunshine and change of pace afforded by an impromptu trip to Hawaii (which I plan to write about soon!) must also be helping our mood. Even while battling weeks of ongoing bronchitis after our trip, Paul and I have loved soaking up the sunshine while following our little adventurer all around the backyard. This bring me to what has perhaps been the biggest change- our horribly unhappy baby is a gleefully happy toddler! She is still a high-needs little dragon, with her strong opinions and even stronger emotions, but she now spends most of the day with a smile on her face! Walking has been wonderful for her mood- those that think of walking as a jump in parenting difficulty must surely have had easy babies. This silly little girl adores walking in circles around the kitchen table, often with her cute sheep plush toy or while dragging her daddy's briefcase behind her.
She toddles around the yard, handing me small rocks and decapitating any flower that I am not quick enough to save. She shares her bottles and snacks with her stuffed animals, her baby cousin and any adult who will let her. She giggles at our chickens, throws toys for the dog and exclaims excitedly whenever a bird flies overhead. She throws tantrums and tests limits, but these are blips on the radar and much easier to manage than the endless crying of her infancy. She is a joy to experience and a wonder to behold, from morning to evening and day after day.
I can't help but think this shift has had the most influence on our progress- it is very difficult to be happy when your child is miserable, and perhaps even harder to be hopeless when your child is thrilled! This age has been such a blast that we have joked about multiplying her like the character Jack-Jack from The Incredibles- a character which has a LOT in common with our daughter! The only thing more fun than 14-month-old Josephine must be a whole bundle of them, though I'm not sure that her parents, or for that matter the whole world, could ever handle it!
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