Advice for Advising Pregnant Women

Congratulations to you! You have just encountered an innocent, unsuspecting pregnant woman.* What a great opportunity to unload heaps of unsolicited advice, horror stories and doomsday predictions to brighten her day. Here are some helpful tips for getting the most out of this opportunity.

Attempting to find a flattering angle with my pregnant belly last year

1) Comment on her body.

After all, now that she is carrying a small human, her body is practically public property and open for any and all commentary. Remind her of this by exclaiming regularly how huge she looks- this can take many forms, including asking if she is sure it isn't twins, likening her to a barn or other large building, or informing her that she is about to burst, pop or explode. Make her aware of her change in gait, specifically using the word 'waddle' whenever possible in order to preserve her self-conscious state. Insist that her medical provider must be wrong about either the sex or due date of the baby due to its size and positioning. Let her know of any weight gain or swelling which might be occurring, specifically pointing out areas of concern. Nothing helps a woman through nine months of the most intense changes her body will ever encounter like the constant reminder that she is being examined from all angles. **

2) Touch her body.

Continuing on a theme, her body is now available to caressing and poking of all kinds. She may especially appreciate tummy-grabbing if you are a distant acquaintance or total stranger. There is no need to ask permission first, but if you do extend this courtesy, make sure to do so while extending a limb towards her so swiftly that she is unable to deflect it. In this way, you both ignore any bodily autonomy that she may feel entitled to, while rendering her unable to complain about it. If she does say no, turn away or flinch obviously, make sure to look completely offended and taken aback- this is a violation of your basic rights and she ought to feel ashamed for this behavior.

3) Warn her.

Nothing is more helpful to a pregnant woman than being advised to sleep now while they still can- never mind the intense insomnia most women feel in the second half of pregnancy. Inform her that, despite the endless hours of restless shifting, cramping and discomfort she may currently be experiencing, it will indeed get worse. In fact, she actually has it really good right now, so make her feel guilty for even being uncomfortable or tired. "You will never sleep again" is a particularly encouraging mantra. Similarly, she must be told often that once the baby comes she will never get a minute to herself, will never have fun again and that her whole life is about to end. You get the picture.

One year ago, I was laying new flooring with my big, round belly!

4) Scare her.

Now is a great time to haul out every single story of pregnancy complications, traumatic births or long NICU stays you have ever heard. If it is your own story, great- but equally valid are stories from the news or from your friend's cousin's sister-in-law.*** The more horrific the details and the more graphic the descriptions, the better. She needs to know of every way in which this pregnancy could possibly go poorly, and it is up to you to make sure she is informed. If she mentions wanting an epidural, chastise her with the perils of hospital interventions. If she claims she is planning to attempt an unmedicated birth, be sure to laugh loudly in her face.The goal is to leave her confidence shaken and imprint upon her how terrified she ought to be.

5) Give her unsolicited advice.

No need to wait until after the birth to make her feel judged for her parenting decisions! This is a great opportunity to flood her with copious amounts of advice that is outdated or of dubious origin. Be sure to opine on every controversial topic from birthing practices to pacifier use. Sure, every mom and baby may be different, but you know exactly what is right for her and her family. Engage others in the discussion- the inevitable piling on and building up of factions will lead to a lively discussion which, though overwhelming, will most certainly be helpful to this new mother.

There you have it! Though there are plenty of other ways to encourage pregnant women, this is a good starting point for improving this woman's pregnancy experience. By following these five steps you can be sure to be contributing to a culture which supports women in their transition to motherhood.

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* No, this is not some sort of announcement- this is satire here, folks.

** Yes, these are all things I actually encountered during my pregnancy.

*** I am guilty of having done this with my own story just the other week. To the new mother I likely terrified- I am sorry for not keeping my mouth shut and I have been regretting it ever since! (Hangs head in shame.)