Gentle With Jesus

Now that my daughter is a little older and is beginning to understand the word 'no', I have finally resumed wearing a little cross around my neck. She delights in turning it over and back, over and back between her fingers. I have to be vigilant, because after doing this repetitive motion for a few minutes she will suddenly tug hard against the chain. I talk to her about it as she plays with the little crucifix. "This is a picture of Jesus. Your little fingers are so talented! Be gentle, let's hold it gently and not pull on it."

Josephine Marie, girl with with curious (and the curiously strong!) hands

This morning she was playing with it and again tugged on it suddenly. My words echoed for a long time in my mind: "Be gentle with Jesus."

In working through my feelings about Josephine's birth and how difficult this first year has been, I came to the startling realization that I was mad at God. I had never been angry at God before. I have been confused, untrusting or felt isolated from Him, but never truly angry. It made me feel horrible, especially when I realized that much of the anger came from how He let her get so close to dying at her birth. She made it out alright- He did save her- but it made me so angry that He had put her in that situation in the first place. It made me angry that the end of labor was not the end of my suffering. It made me angry that I was not able to enjoy the early months with my daughter as I had expected. I have heard from so many people that I should feel grateful because she is alive and well, and I do feel gratitude. I also feel anger.

I confided in a good friend about this anger, embarrassed at myself for having this reaction and feeling like I could not approach God with these feelings. I will never forget her response: "He is a big guy, He can take it." She helped me to understand that it is okay to be mad at God. It's an honest response and He can handle it. If you turn that anger over to Him, He will work with it and transform you in the process.

What I said to my daughter this morning stuck with me because it is just not true- you don't have to be gentle with Jesus. He's a tough guy, and He can handle it. If He can take on the devil and all the sins of the world upon Himself, then what is the anger of a weak person like myself? He can take it.

My beautiful rosary, handmade by my friend Marie of Miseris Cor Dare

It has not been easy to approach God with this anger of mine, and I admit that I have mostly been doing this through Mary's intercession. Having never had a strong connection with Mary previous to this year, it again took the advice of this same friend, Marie- designer of beautiful rosaries- to approach Jesus' heart through Mary's.

I'm still at the beginning of this leg of the journey, but at least I can go forth more confidently, knowing that I don't have to be gentle with Jesus.