Zélie's Failed Pilgrimage to Lourdes

Oh, how I loathe that banal platitude, "everything happens for a reason". It is one of those things that you say when you don't know what else to say, but is seems to be dismissive rather than validating to the person who is experiencing the suffering. In fact, I have been enjoying a new podcast lately (if crying through each episode can still count as enjoyment) which is named for this statement. It is called Everything Happens, and is hosted by a young mom with stage four cancer.

Celebrating a very snowy Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes

On this feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes, I have been reflecting on St. Zélie's similar journey with cancer as a loving wife and mother of five living children, specifically on her desperate pilgrimage to the grotto at Lourdes in search of a miracle cure.

Strange though it may seem, this failed pilgrimage of Zélie's is my favorite story about Lourdes, perhaps because it evokes the same heartsick catharsis as the Everything Happens podcast. Poor St. Zélie did not receive the healing she sought, and the pilgrimage was a pretty miserable experience from beginning to end.

"I'll remember this trip for a long time because of the misery and fatigue I endured." -St. Zélie Martin

Unlike her Wanderlust stricken husband, Zélie hated travelling. She labored over making travel plans for herself and her three oldest daughters, dealt with long train rides, made agonizing by her horrible breast tumor, leaking water bottles and complaining children.

"In spite of the loving protests of my daughters to let them take care of me, it was I, in fact, who took care of them. Sometimes one of them was thirsty, sometimes another one was hungry. What's more, Marie was afflicted by a big speck of dust in her eye and moaned about it for four hours. Finally, Léonie's feet were swollen, and she cried because her shoes were hurting her." -St. Zélie Martin

Her troubles continued when they arrived in Lourdes, with her lodgings, luggage, a sick child, and finding meals. Even when they finally got to the grotto itself:

"When I arrived at the Grotto, my heart was so tight I couldn't even pray. During Mass I was very close to the altar, but I was so exhausted I didn't understand a thing. I left in a state of total collapse, and from there I went to the spring, I looked with terror at the freezing water and the deathly cold marble, but I had to do it, and I courageously threw myself into the water... I almost couldn't breathe, and I had to get out almost immediately." -St. Zélie Martin

To add insult to injury, she even lost her beloved sister's rosary! Her sister, a Visitation nun, had recently died and this rosary was her only possession which Zélie had to hold onto. Despite four plunges into the miraculous water, many masses and countless prayers, Zélie left Lourdes in worse shape than before, having slipped and injured her neck so that it added debilitating pain to her final days.

Perhaps it is not fair to call it a failed pilgrimage, since we know that God grants grace for acts of faith. However, the failure of a miracle to occur allowed for Zélie's premature and excruciating death. I have often been told that suffering is redemptive, but in all honesty I have never truly understood what this meant. There have been times in my life when I could tell that suffering was changing me for the better, there have been times when I could look back upon suffering and see God's hand in my life, but there have been far too many that have made me feel more distant from God. It is easier to say everything happens for a reason when you don't get your dream job- it is quite possible that it wouldn't be the best fit, and after all, God may have something better planned. But it is incomprehensible when the good we pray for is as great as a mother living to raise her children into adulthood.

In a recent conversation with my grandma, we discussed her own cancer journey and the peace that came with being reminded about Jesus' own experience of suffering. When she felt angry and confused facing chemotherapy, the image of Jesus sweating blood in the Garden of Gethsemane before the crucifixion helped her to realize that her feelings were valid and acceptable. Jesus crying out to the Father, "Why have you forsaken me?" helped her to cope with doubt in God's will. God Himself has experienced the hopelessness and despair, the desolation and the abandonment of our suffering. He has tasted the same bitterness as we have in our greatest trials.

Zélie experienced tremendous amounts of suffering prior to her battle with cancer, including losing almost all of her extended family and four of her children, and yet she still trusted God with much more than her life. It is quite possible that I will never in my own life understand why God allows great suffering or why he decides to not grant great goods. I suppose I will have to cling to the fact that Jesus knows and has experienced my suffering, and that others who have followed Him better than myself have continued to trust in Him even when their sight and understanding are blinded.

The last line of Zélie's last recorded letter, addressed to her beloved brother, are an inspiring example of walking in trust through the fog of our own understanding:

"What can you do? If the Blessed Mother doesn't cure me it's because my time is at an end, and God wants me to rest elsewhere other than on earth." -St. Zélie Martin

Saint Zélie and Our Lady of Lourdes, pray for us!